Fighting In Relationships
Why Do We Always End Up Fighting?
When 2 people get together in a relationship, there is bound to be some conflict between the needs and desires of each. Ideally in a mature healthy relationship, discussion and negotiation will ensue and a compromise will be reached. Often, however, this is not the case and the partners end up arguing and fighting - not an ideal environment for creating trust and loving connection. So why does an issue turn into an argument and what can we do to stop the fighting and maintain balance and harmony with our spouse or partner?
We all have our patterns of how we deal with the disappointments and disagreements in our relationships. These were often learnt from our parents or carers and how they handled conflict. We may become passive or we may become aggressive, or even abusive. Very few of us are able to handle conflict in a mature and assertive fashion. However, this is an essential part of a strong, healthy relationship. If you have trouble bringing up issues or you regularly find yourself fighting in relationships, it might be time to look at whether you can make some improvements in your relationship patterns especially around the way that you communicate.
Arguments often start with some minor word or deed which triggers some hidden resentment that we have been carrying around with us but not dealt with. When a woman expresses her disapproval to a man he often hears blame and goes on the defensive. Men are solution oriented and look for the quickest way to solve a problem. He offers solutions, explanations and justifications and may be tempted to trivialise the matter because he feels uncomfortable with her emotions. He just wants the problem to be sorted out or to go away. Unfortunately these solutions are not really what she wants to hear and her rejection of them makes him feel insignificant and frustrated.
She gets upset because what she really wants is validation of her feelings. She wants him to hear what she is saying and understand where she is coming from. This is something that few men find easy.
Now both partners feel rejected and pain takes over. The learned responses kick in and these are not always healthy. It is hard to think of someone else when we are in pain and most people will put themselves first. Women often cry or get hysterical while men tend to get angry, cold and unloving. The fighting ensues, both partners feeling justified in hurting the other, and at some point one or both will back off and withdraw leaving a frosty silence where there should be a loving connection.
This can become a regular pattern of rejection and frustration in a relationship because the partners are not able to get past their negative feelings to a place where they can communicate effectively. Resentment continues to build up and blame becomes a part of the relationship patterns waiting to surface at any opportunity. Fighting becomes a regular part of the relationship it can often lead to its demise.
Often when we attract a partner, we attract someone on a similar level of emotional maturity as ourselves. If our partner is immature and unable to handle conflict or a relationship, we must make sure that we are not allowing ourselves to be dragged down to their level by our unwillingness to let the relationship go.
We can't change another person, only ourselves, and that is why it is as well to look at our own patterns in relationships and how we communicate our differences. This will tell us if we need to change. We should learn to communicate our needs in a mature blame-free fashion and negotiate rather than demand. It is essential to deal with issues and not sweep them under the carpet so that resentment is not allowed to build. We should have good boundaries and we must be prepared to let go of any prospective partner who doesn't meet them.
The way that we bring up issues and conduct our communication over these matters is extremely important. Generally if we have an issue, it is not what we say but how we say it that matters. Allowing an argument to develop is highly unlikely to get us what we want. On the other hand dealing with issues constructively can definitely serve to strengthen the bond between a couple and show whether the relationship is right for us.